The Jaybird's Roost

MAKES ME NERVOUS

2011-11-07T10:16:00.001-08:00

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

TOUGH GETTING OLD

2011-11-07T10:10:00.001-08:00

AARP QUIZ

2011-11-05T22:56:00.001-07:00

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. It works for men as they age so it can work for women.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

CAT HOUSE ON THE KINGS

2011-11-05T22:26:00.001-07:00

Don and I took our first trip out to The Cat House On The Kings and shot some pictures. If you love cats and dogs then this is a wonderful place to visit and support.
http://www.cathouseonthekings.com/

HE NEVER KNEW WHAT HIT HIM

2011-11-05T21:52:00.001-07:00

SEEMS FAMILIAR

2011-11-05T21:47:00.001-07:00

Man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”.
The operator says, “How do you know?”
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

GROWING OLDER

2011-11-05T21:45:00.001-07:00

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician
for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well," for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

2011-11-05T21:42:00.001-07:00

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. All done!

A THING OR TWO ABOUT WOMEN

2011-05-22T10:51:00.001-07:00

The Definitive Book On How To Understand Women

I’m waiting for the pocket version.

ON MARRIAGE

2011-05-22T10:39:00.001-07:00

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Surgery Facts

2011-04-23T10:26:00.001-07:00

This would be funny if it weren't so true!!!

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We took him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m.,
and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our Hound, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would have to remain overnight.'Overnight?', I said. 'My father-in-law came home the same day.' The vet looked at me and said, 'Bo's not on Medicare!'

GARFIELD EXPLAINS THE OIL CRISIS

2011-03-02T18:31:00.001-08:00

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?

2011-02-16T08:44:00.001-08:00

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

GOOD INFORMATION FROM A FRIEND

2011-02-13T08:51:00.001-08:00

“As a retired law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab.

Here is a picture of four Labs. I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab. I hope this helps.

Let me know if I can be of any further assistance in this matter.”

POOR NANCY

2011-02-12T19:18:00.001-08:00

Since Nancy is no longer Speaker of the House, she must relinquish her 757 jet, so generously provided by us taxpayers.

She'll be flying Southwest from now on because "Bags fly free"!

BIBLE STUDY HUMOR

2011-02-12T13:38:00.001-08:00

LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and...
Turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked
Back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned
Into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the Roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful Little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of Fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, With just two worms.

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
      Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy Lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he Got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the People walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for Reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never Believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
      A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of The most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.   She gave the Youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about The task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, He could barely get past the first line.
      On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of The congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped Up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
      The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused And bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, She asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his Messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
   'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
      During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from One of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him Into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such A thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
       When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless Every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli Would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly Routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
     Her response, 'Because everybody else always finishes their prayers by Saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
      Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food Was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started Eating right away.
      'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
     'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
      'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer Before eating at our house.'
    'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house And she knows how to cook!'

IT’S ALWAYS THE KIDS THAT SUFFER

2011-02-12T13:26:00.001-08:00

IT’S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR

2011-02-12T13:22:00.001-08:00

But not everyone is as lucky as I am.......
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

CALIFORNIA ECONOMICS CRISIS

2011-02-10T17:34:00.001-08:00

This financial crisis is forcing California State and local agencies to make some tough decisions. If things continue for much longer, there's a real risk that they may have to lay off Jose.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

2011-02-05T10:22:00.001-08:00

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

I JUST LOVE THIS WOMAN

2011-02-05T08:38:00.001-08:00

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!?

2011-02-04T18:02:00.001-08:00

DID I HEAR AN ECHO?

SHOPPING FOR A NEW TRUCK

2011-02-04T17:56:00.001-08:00

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... darn guy had no sense of humor.

ALL I SAID WUZ…

2011-02-02T13:52:00.001-08:00

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

Why Old Ladies Should Not Drink!!!!!

2011-02-02T13:30:00.001-08:00

Toni Basil - Mickey

2011-02-02T12:27:00.000-08:00

Don't hate me for posting this video. I just heard it on the radio and had to share it.

END OF SEASON PIX

2010-10-11T13:51:00.001-07:00

I thought I would show a few pictures of the end of my summer season. This one is of the hummingbirds favorite blossoms.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

TOP 10 COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS

2010-09-18T08:20:00.001-07:00

Top Ten Country & Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

SUCCESS

2010-08-26T09:35:00.001-07:00

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . Having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money.

At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

OLD MEN THINK FAST

2010-08-19T08:26:00.001-07:00

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn ' t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ' we ' re not coming out until you leave! '

The old man frowned, ' I didn ' t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. '

Holding the bucket up he said, ' I ' m here to feed the alligator.... '

Some old men can still think fast.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED AS I MATURE

2010-07-25T10:15:00.001-07:00

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it’s place.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of the kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

CHANGE

2010-07-25T09:35:00.001-07:00

There's an old sea story, in the Navy, about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested, perhaps, it would help if the sailors would change underwear, occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better !

SEX AFTER DEATH

2010-06-29T06:55:00.001-07:00

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

DENTURES

2010-06-27T10:55:00.001-07:00

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany .
He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his
cash, above the limit he could bring into the U.S.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to
why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:
"Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat
products and dairy products, but, I am so religious I also have
separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?
"Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but, I am so orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy
food...." The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products
and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What
about the fifth set?" Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

FIRST TIME SEX

2010-06-26T09:31:00.001-07:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

STARTIN’ FIGHTS

2010-06-25T21:22:00.001-07:00

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

NICE TRIBUTE BY GENE SIMMONS

2010-06-25T21:14:00.001-07:00

Whether you believe in the war or not you gotta be proud of these folks.

LUNCH AT THE OCEAN VIEW

2010-06-13T13:25:00.001-07:00

I guess this is going to happen to all of us!!!

Birthday Lunches

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

FRIED CHICKEN, MY FAVORITE

2010-06-13T13:12:00.001-07:00

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could mak them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

WENT TO BUY A NEW TRUCK

2010-06-05T20:50:00.001-07:00

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

Damn guy had no sense of humor……I had to walk back to the dealership.

WHY????

2010-06-05T20:38:00.001-07:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do they refer to a Doctor's clinic as a "Practice"?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

And my FAVORITE

The statistics on sanity says that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING

2010-05-24T13:38:00.001-07:00

Walking can add minutes to your life.
   This enables you at 85 years old
   to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
   home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he's 97 years old
    and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
    I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
    spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day
    is so when you die, they'll say,
    'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
    the last few years,......
    just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
    because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   AND
Every time I start thinking too much
     about how I look,
    I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

BUTT DUST

2010-05-15T17:18:00.001-07:00

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Hellmann's Mayonnaise (aka Best Foods)

2010-05-14T18:53:00.001-07:00

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

SENIOR WEDDING

2010-05-13T18:23:00.001-07:00

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

PENDING MERGER

2010-05-09T19:45:00.001-07:00

Because California is broke, there is going to be a merger: Effective October 1st, the California Highway Patrol and the California Department of Fish and Game will be merged to form the new--
California Department of Fish and Chips.

More From Maxine

2010-05-02T22:15:00.001-07:00

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
    An impressive new book. It's called .........
   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transves-ite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
    And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and
    Your boss, the Pope only expects you
    To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
    Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
    Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
    That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
    Now, of course, there's
    Shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking
     The trash out, gives the impression that
     He just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
    Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A friend said, 'I was worried that my
   Mechanic might try to rip me off.
      I was relieved when he told me all
      I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.

Good idea .. . One light bulb at a time . . . .

2010-04-21T15:13:00.001-07:00

A physics teacher in high school, once told the Students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn't Slow a train very much, a billion of them would. With that thought In mind, read the following obviously written by a good American ..

Check this out . I can verify this because I was in Lowes the other day for Some reason and just for the heck of it I was looking at the hose Attachments . They were all made in China . The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose Attachments there. They were made in USA . Start looking ..

In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects Someone else - even their job . So, after reading this email, I think this Lady is on the right track . Let's get behind her!

My grandson likes Hershey's candy . I noticed, though, that it is marked Made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more. My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ... Now I have switched to Crest. You have to read the labels on everything ..

This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets . I was In the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy was an off-brand Labeled, "Everyday Value . " I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - They were the same except for the price .. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the Thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO And the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA in a company in Cleveland , Ohio .

So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that Are made right here ..

So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets . .. . Yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada. The Everyday Value Brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA ! I did laundry yesterday And the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using For years and at almost half the price!

My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for Everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA – the Job you save may be your own or your neighbors!

If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others so We can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time!

Stop buying From overseas companies!

(We should have awakened a decade ago .. . .. . . . )

Let's get with the program . . . .. Help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the U . S . A ..

Government Flow Chart 2010

2010-04-15T22:48:00.001-07:00

GOOD, BAD, UGLY

2010-03-27T21:21:00.001-07:00

State police have charged a central Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen giving mouth-to-mouth "resuscitation" to a long-dead opossum along a highway.
Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal along Route 36 in Oliver Township Thursday about 3 p.m. The trooper says one person saw Wolfe kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.
Levier says Wolfe was "extremely intoxicated" and "did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth, I guess."

THINK TWICE

2010-03-22T13:35:00.001-07:00

A RED ‘51 CHEVY

2010-03-21T08:33:00.001-07:00

The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from Mexico and into points along the U.S. Border. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or the U. S. Border Patrol.

MAXINE ON HEALTH CARE REFORM

2010-03-18T17:50:00.001-07:00

Let me get this straight......we're trying to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

BABY HORSE AND MOM

2010-03-17T10:36:00.001-07:00

Some pictures just don't need captions.
There is nothing like Mom's lap no matter who you are. This is precious !!!! This is a newborn offspring of Taskin, a Gypsy Stallion owned by Villa Vanners of Oregon . These pictures were taken immediately after his birth on April 6. The mare laid down, and then he trotted around and crawled right up into her lap.
Talk about true love!

What more can you say? Just beautiful !!

WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

2010-03-17T10:31:00.001-07:00

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.........

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

THE HUMAN BODY

2010-03-16T09:30:00.001-07:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb..
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

NEW PHOTOS

2010-03-15T10:10:00.001-07:00

I know this is a very long post but I believe it’s worth it.

These photos are absolutely incredible....Read below the first picture and at the end...

PHOTOS STORED IN AN OLD BROWNIE CAMERA
Thought you might find these photos very interesting; what quality from 1941.
Pearl Harbor photos found in an old Brownie stored in a foot locker. And just recently
Taken to be developed.
THESE PHOTOS ARE FROM A SAILOR WHO WAS ON THE USS QUAPAW ATF-11O.
I THINK THEY'RE SPECTACULAR!
PEARL HARBOR
December 7th, 1941

Pearl Harbor
On Sunday, December 7th, 1941 the Japanese launched a surprise attack against the U.S. Forces stationed at Pearl Harbor , Hawaii By planning this attack on a Sunday, the Japanese commander Admiral Nagumo, hoped to catch the entire fleet in port. As luck would have it, the Aircraft Carriers and one of the Battleships were not in port. (The USS Enterprise was returning from Wake Island , where it had just delivered some aircraft. The USS Lexington was ferrying aircraft to Midway, and the USS Saratoga and USS Colorado were undergoing repairs in the United States )
In spite of the latest intelligence reports about the missing aircraft carriers (his most important targets), Admiral Nagumo decided to continue the attack with his force of six carriers and 423 aircraft. At a range of 230 miles north of Oahu , he launched the first wave of a two-wave attack. Beginning at 0600 hours his first wave consisted of 183 fighters and torpedo bombers which struck at the fleet in Pearl Harbor and the airfields in Hickam, Kaneohe and Ewa. The second strike, launched at 0715 hours, consisted of 167 aircraft, which again struck at the same targets.

At 0753 hours the first wave consisting of 40 Nakajima B5N2 'Kate' torpedo bombers, 51 Aichi D3A1 'Val' dive bombers, 50 high altitude bombers and 43 Zeros struck airfields and Pearl Harbor Within the next hour, the second wave arrived and continued the attack.
When it was over, the U.S. Losses were:
Casualties
US Army: 218 KIA, 364 WIA.
US Navy: 2,008 KIA, 710 WIA.
US MarineCorp: 109 KIA, 69 WIA.
Civilians: 68 KIA, 35 WIA.
TOTAL: 2,403 KIA, 1,178 WIA.
-------------------------------------------------
Battleships
USS Arizona (BB-39) - total loss when a bomb hit her magazine.
USS Oklahoma (BB-37) - Total loss when she capsized and sunk in the harbor.
USS California (BB-4 4) - Sunk at her berth. Later raised and repaired.
USS West Virginia (BB-48) - Sunk at her berth. Later raised and repaired.
USS Nevada - (BB-36) Beached to prevent sinking. Later repaired.
USS Pennsylvania (BB-38) - Light damage.
USS Maryland (BB-46) - Light damage.
USS Tennessee (BB-43) Light damage.
USS Utah (AG-16) - (former battleship used as a target) - Sunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cruisers
USS New Orleans (CA-32) - Light Damage..
USS San Francisco (CA-38) - Light Damage.
USS Detroit (CL-8) - Light Damage.
USS Raleigh (CL-7) - Heavily damaged but repaired.
USS Helena (CL-50) - Light Damage.
USS Honolulu (CL-48) - Light Damage..
-------------------------- -- ---------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------
Destroyers
USS Downes (DD-375) - Destroyed. Parts salvaged.
USS Cassin - (DD -3 7 2) Destroyed. Parts salvaged.
USS Shaw (DD-373) - Very heavy damage.
USS Helm (DD-388) - Light Damage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minelayer
USS Ogala (CM-4) - Sunk but later raised and repaired.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seaplane Tender
USS Curtiss (AV-4) - Severely damaged but later repaired.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Repair Ship
USS Vestal (AR-4) - Severely damaged but later repaired.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harbor Tug
USS Sotoyomo (YT-9) - Sunk but later raised and repaired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aircraft
188 Aircraft destroyed (92 USN and 92 U.S. Army Air Corps.)

INTERESTING FACT

2010-03-15T10:01:00.001-07:00

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote: "If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq .
Conclusion: "The US should pull out of Washington ."

CARTOON OF THE YEAR

2010-03-15T09:59:00.001-07:00

MAN IN THE COFFEE BEANS

2010-03-15T09:55:00.001-07:00

This is bizarre -- after you find the guy -- it's so obvious. Once you find him -- it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him immediately?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!

Thanks Teresa for passing this along.

A DIFFERENT ROAD TRIP

2010-03-13T07:35:00.001-08:00

TRAGIC NEWS FROM UP NORTH

2010-03-12T19:31:00.001-08:00

MY DOG

2010-03-12T19:26:00.001-08:00

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.............. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday! Damn this is a great country!

NICE PAINT JOB

2010-03-12T19:17:00.001-08:00

Click the pic to see a bigger image.

FIVE SURGEONS

2010-03-12T11:33:00.001-08:00

While having lunch five surgeons from big cities are
discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered.."
The second surgeon, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you
should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable."

HYDRAULICS, GUTS & A GOOD OPERATOR

2010-03-12T11:27:00.001-08:00

This tower was specifically built to show off the physical power of the excavator.

What ever the operator of this machine gets paid, it's not enough!

PETS

2010-03-12T11:04:00.001-08:00

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

SPELLING LESSON

2010-03-12T11:00:00.001-08:00

A Short Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American.........I Can

The last four letters in Republican.......I Can

The last four letters in Democrats........Rats

Lesson over, just helping you expand your education

SENIOR HEALTH RISKS

2010-03-12T10:57:00.001-08:00

HEADLINES IN THE NEWS

2010-03-12T07:40:00.001-08:00

FINALLY…….THE ANSWER!

2010-03-12T07:32:00.001-08:00

THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION WE HAVE ALL BEEN HEARING AND ASKING FOR SO MANY YEARS!

THE ANSWER IS: YES!

HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN

2010-03-12T07:30:00.001-08:00

It was a busy morning, about 8:30 , when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived at the hospital to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

The nurse took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry..
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled
As he patted my hand and said,
'She doesn't know me,
But I still know who she is.'

RETIRED SPEEDER

2010-03-12T07:25:00.001-08:00

BLONDE JOKE

2010-03-09T21:50:00.001-08:00

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

SNORING

2010-03-09T21:43:00.001-08:00

A couple have a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if   he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it
carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, we got first and second place."

FEEDING THE EAGLES

2010-03-09T21:36:00.001-08:00

In January the weather was so cold that the bald eagles were cruising over the houses looking for helpless cats to make a quick meal. Some kind souls decided to feed the eagles down at Goose Spit so they would survive the cold spell.
Here's what happened... A former teacher took these photos in front of his home. They are incredible!
Feeding the Eagles! Comox, B.C., Vancouver Island , Jan. 2009.

A beautiful morning feeding the eagles, Jan. 2009

Feeding the Eagles. Jan. 2009

Eagles fighting for the fish. Jan. 2009

No zoom lens used here! I was this close!

Here are the men who were feeding them, pretty amazing to get this close!

IT MAKES SENSE

2010-03-09T21:32:00.001-08:00

If Big-Chested women work at HOOTERS

Where do "ONE-LEGGED" women work???

FREEMAN

2010-03-09T21:26:00.001-08:00

You're a 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley.
November 11, 1965. LZ X-ray , Vietnam .
Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in. You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you're not getting out. Your family is 1/2 way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never see them again.
As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.
Then - over the machine gun noise - you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter. You look up to see an unarmed Huey. But ... it doesn't seem real because no Medi-Vac markings are on it.
Ed Freeman is coming for you. He's not Medi-Vac so it's not his job, but he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway. Even after the Medi-Vacs were ordered not to come.
He's coming anyway. And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 2 or 3 of you on board.
Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses. And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!!
He took about 30 of you and your buddies out who would never have gotten out.

Medal of Honor Recipient,
Ed Freeman, died
last Wednesday at the age of 80, in Boise , Idaho .
May God Rest His Soul.
I bet you didn't hear about this hero's
passing, but we've sure
seen a whole bunch
about Michael Jackson.
.. .

Medal of Honor Winner
Ed Freeman
Shame on the American media !!!

WHY DOGS BITE PEOPLE PT 1

2010-03-09T21:15:00.001-08:00

Okay, maybe I’m wrong but when you dress up a dog in clothes I think it’s very cute. Maybe it’s the expressions on their faces and their unawareness of what’s really going that makes me laugh so much, as long as they aren’t being hurt. But then again, maybe they really do know what’s going and that’s why they do bite, sometimes.

A RIVER OVER A RIVER

2010-03-05T08:47:00.001-08:00

Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe!

Water Bridge in Germany . What a feat!

Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now this is engineering!

This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and West Germany ,
as part of the unification project. It is located in the city of Magdeburg , near Berlin .

The photo was taken on the day of inauguration.

To those who appreciate engineering projects, here's a puzzle for you armchair engineers
and physicists. Did that bridge have to be designed to withstand the additional weight of ship and barge traffic,
or just the weight of the water?

Answer:

It only needs to be designed to withstand the weight of the water!

THE BATHTUB TEST

2010-03-04T23:35:00.001-08:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

WHO’S GOT THE WORST JOB?

2010-03-04T23:32:00.001-08:00

HOW TO BE CRUEL TO OLD GUYS

2010-03-04T23:28:00.001-08:00

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

2010-03-04T23:27:00.001-08:00

CHP BUDGET CUTS

2010-03-04T23:24:00.001-08:00

CALIFORNIA IN DEEP DOO DOO

2010-03-04T23:21:00.001-08:00

This financial crisis is forcing State and local agencies to make some tough decisions.

If things continue for much longer, there's a real risk that we may have to lay off Jose.

PICK THE RIGHT PENNY

2010-03-04T23:19:00.001-08:00

Some of you saw this already so don’t tell.

I cannot believe how many people did
not choose the correct one!
Take a look, and see if you can
choose the right penny.
No cheating;
do not look at a real penny first,
I know you've seen a real one!
See if you can pick the correct one here.
Click on the link below to take the test.
Common Cents

1932 Helicron

2010-03-04T23:13:00.001-08:00

In the late 1930s this one-of-a-kind Helicron was placed in a barn and forgotten. More than six decades later this odd lost little gem was rediscovered, rebuilt, and reintroduced to the world... Although the manufacturer is unknown, it's believed that this car was built in France 1932. Following the first World War it was not uncommon for recently displaced airplane engineers to look towards the automobile industry for employment.
As in this example, a few entrepreneurs developed propeller-powered cars with the notion that propeller power was an efficient means of moving a vehicle. On this car, when the wooden propeller is spinning at full speed and efficiently, this little 1,000-pound boat-tailed skiff can hit freeway speeds exceeding 75 mph. This is the one and only Helicron in existence, owned by Lane Motor Museum in Nashville, TN.

Link to YouTube video, very interesting.

A PASSWORD DILEMMA

2010-03-04T20:48:00.001-08:00

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento."

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

A RIDDLE FOR YOU

2009-11-19T10:49:00.001-08:00

Here's a riddle.
You have 2 coins that add up to .30 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE

2009-11-19T09:05:00.001-08:00

Looks like things are back to normal, whatever that may be. In the past few months there was a glitch with the Google ads that were showing between my posts and I could not get rid of them. I’ve been changing templates and going crazy trying to stop them but it seems they were having a problem. Finally it is now fixed and my old template is back to normal.

If you haven’t been around lately and didn’t notice, then please disregard this post. :)

BAMBI AND THUMPER

2009-11-12T07:55:00.001-08:00

This was taken in Alberta , Canada in a back yard...Very cool!
Bambi & Thumper really do exist.

What an incredible photographer to have caught these shots....

May you always have
Love to Share,
Health to Spare,
And Friends that Care.

HOMEMADE FLU MASK

2009-11-10T09:08:00.001-08:00

In case we run out of masks during the N1H1 flu season, here is a homemade mask you can make yourself.

It is even compatible with the wearing of glasses.

One thing though ---

MAKE SURE YOUR MASK IS CLEAN!!!!!!!!

My 10 Seconds of Fame

2009-09-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

I forgot to mention that I actually had one of my Sunset pictures shown on channel 26 Monday the 14th. It was on the 11:30 News show and I missed it! A friend of mine called and asked if it was me or not and sure enough it was. Here’s the one they showed……

I got more new ones on Flickr if anyone is interested.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/carlreynolds/

So much for fame.

MY SUNDAY VIEW - DONNA'S TREES

2009-02-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Sunday morning and the rain has been somewhat steady since I first noticed at about 5am. No complaints here, I'm showered and back into my softies ready for what looks to be a lazy day ahead. Thought this would be a good chance to start a new feature, My Sunday View.

Two days ago Donna went out and dug up the Orange Tree that we've had for about 6 or 7 years now located in a little spot between the fence and gazebo. It has never done very well in all that shade, plus it's sister Lemon Tree we planted at the same time over behind the Grape Vines never did all that well either shaded by the old Pine Tree we had removed late last year. (remember, Trees Final Chapter?) So anyway since then the Lemon Tree started really perking up will all the new sunshine and is looking like it really loves life now. So Donna digs up the Orange Tree and plants it near the Lemon Tree, now it appears that it will find a new life also. She did it so fast I didn't even know she was doing it until she called me to come help carry it over to the new spot. Now we have two very happy trees sitting out there in all this rain waiting for all that sunshine. At the same time she planted one of the Ferns in place of the Orange Tree and my guess it that it will love it's new home where it's mostly shaded.

This wasn't the most interesting feature of my space here but it was a lot better than me ranting about the political BS from the Fresno Bee this morning. Be grateful I spared you all.

HELPFUL OLD MEN

2009-02-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."  The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"  The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"  I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS THIS

2009-02-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's home district includes San Francisco.
Star-Kist Tuna's headquarters are in San Francisco, Pelosi's home District.
Star-Kist is owned by Del Monte Foods and is a major contributor to Pelosi.
Star-Kist is the major employer in American Samoa employing 75% of the Samoan work force.
Paul Pelosi, Nancy's husband, owns $17 million dollars of Star-Kist stock.
In January, 2007 when the minimum wage was increased from $5.15 to $7.25,
Pelosi had American Samoa exempted from the increase so Del Monte would not have to pay the higher wage. This would make Del Monte products less expensive than their competition's.
When the huge bailout bill was passed, Pelosi added an earmark to the final bill adding $33 million dollars for an 'economic development credit in American Samoa'.
Pelosi has called the Bush Administration "CORRUPT" ? ?
How do you spell "HYPOCRISY" ?

Why do we not get media coverage of stories like this?
IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU'RE IN DEEP DOO-DO!!

YOU KNOW U'RE A REDNECK WHEN.......

2009-02-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.< /B>
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know ho w many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

2008-10-08T07:40:00.001-07:00

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the Things you have started and have never finished.'So, I looked around my House to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now . Please pass this on to those whomever you think might be in need of inner peace.

ON THE LINE OF AGING

2008-09-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A pysician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"